Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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