Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
