Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
