If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
