You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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