every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
