she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
