I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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