He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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