drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
