She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
