I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
