I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
