I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
