I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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