So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
