Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
