my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize