last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
