You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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