"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
