Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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