oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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