Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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