If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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