Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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