I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
