fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
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