I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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