I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
