After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
