We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
