so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Randomize
