OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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