I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
