all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
