please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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