Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
