So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I think your dad took our porno
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
