Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
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