I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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