I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
