If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
