I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
