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You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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