She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
