my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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