ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
