i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
