The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
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He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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