It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
