im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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