can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
