Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
