So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
