I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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