My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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