Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
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Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
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Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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