apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
